


Deciding What to Keep

by spun809



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean is gaurded, F/M, Past Fluff, Secrets, drunk!Sam, relationship drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-06 04:18:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11028495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spun809/pseuds/spun809
Summary: You are tired of living the life of a hunter on the road with Dean and you are hoping that he finally lets you in on the secret he’s keeping so you can fix things, but you know what they say about hope.





	Deciding What to Keep

You flung yourself onto one of the hotel's old mattresses, ignoring the squeal of the frame underneath the weight of your body, and letting yourself bounce a few times before settling in against the strange bedding. It seemed like you spent more time in an unfamiliar bed than you did in the one you and Dean were supposed to share back at the bunker. The stale smell of mildew hidden underneath copious amounts of bleach was more typical of the places you stayed than of the rich deep scent of leather and whiskey that meant your boyfriend was beside you. It made you feel constantly lost and alone. Something about having a home but always being out on the road was leaving you weary. 

It was hard now but there were times with him, like when he had first taken you to his little hideout that you had felt special and more included than the other people in his life. As you had followed him in past the giant metal door down the winding spiral stairs, you knew that few people the Winchester’s hunted with had been invited here, much less to stay as a permanent figure. It was like he had said to you, that you were not just some chick that he had decided to sleep with for the night and then bail on in the morning, you were worth coming home to. 

“What do you think?” Dean had asked you as he had shown you around his bedroom, his voice sounded as if he genuinely wanted to know how you felt, not just throwing the words out there for something to say. 

You kissed his cheek, loving the slight scratch of his stubble against your lips, “it’s great, I think my stuff will be very happy here,” you said pulling away from him to trace your finger absently along his comforter. 

“I’m glad you like it,” you were so busy looking at all his stuff you didn’t turn to see if he was smiling as he said it, besides, it was evident in his tone alone. He was happy. 

Your toothbrush resting in the shared bathroom and your socks and panties in the top drawer of his dresser wasn’t enough for you though. There was something about the infrequency of being alone there together that had you struggling to call it home or to call what you and Dean had a relationship. It was something about the distance between the two of you, even though you shared everything, that made you feel that he was hiding something from you. So you couldn’t allow yourself to fully feel comfortable with him. 

Even on the case you were tracking right now you felt it, the way that he seemed all too quick to go looking for leads at the local dive bar with Sam, or the way he would start to talk about the future between the two of you and then just randomly change the subject. There was something lurking between the pair of you and you were getting horrified that when the bomb finally dropped it would destroy everything you and Dean were working towards. 

Sinking back onto the foreign surface, you let your eyes fall closed, doing your best not to dwell on the things that were frustrating you with the older Winchester. It was late when Dean finally trudged back into the motel, you hadn’t even noticed that you were so tired that you had managed to sleep for, you cracked an eye open in the direction of the little alarm clock on the side table where it read 3:34 am, about five hours. Some nap you thought. 

“Sorry,” Sam giggled walking in behind his brother and crawling under the covers of the queen bed that sat across from yours. 

Dean came and sat down next to you, his hand brushing across your face, “yeah babe, sorry, the kid doesn’t know how to hold his liquor.” 

You rolled onto your side to stare at where Sam’s back was rising and falling in the other bed. You couldn’t believe he had fallen asleep so quickly, he really must have been hammered. There was something about the way that even here and now you felt this growing gap between you and Dean, like deep underneath what was happening, you knew that he was thinking about more than just how Sam had decided to go on a bender. You suddenly couldn’t bare for him to touch you. So you batted at his hand that was tracing its way along your shoulders away. 

“Hey?” His voice sounded wounded and you hated it but you couldn’t force your body to turn and look at him. 

“I’m just tired, ok?” You hoped he couldn’t hear the way your voice was thick with tears getting ready to fall, “let’s go to bed.” 

You felt the blankets being pulled from underneath you and you did your best to squirm and move in a way that would allow Dean to get under the covers with you. Even though you didn’t feel like talking to him you also didn’t feel like sleeping alone. His hand wrapped itself around your waist and you breathed in deep to the warmth of his touch on your skin. 

“Baby, I know something is wrong, please just talk to me.” Dean’s voice was soft and you had to strain to make out his words even though you knew Sam was completely oblivious to your conversation so there was no real reason for him to whisper. 

“I just feel lonely,” and you felt yourself start to break down as you spoke, you spun towards him so you could bury your tear stained face into the material of his t-shirt not caring that you were giving into your own weakness. 

“Shhh,” he ran his hand over the back of your head softly combing his fingers through your hair, “it’s going to be alright, you're not alone, I am here for you no matter what.” 

You looked up at him, feeling a little of the anger you felt earlier returning, “Dean, we are hunters first, me and you that is always going to come second.” You still couldn’t bring yourself to ask him outright what he was keeping from you, instead, you choose your old standby to fight about. 

He leaned down and pressed his lips against yours, the pressure was barely there and felt more like a soft breeze than a passionate kiss from the man you loved. 

“Hunting doesn’t come first and I swear I am going to prove it to you,” he said as he pulled back for a second to look you dead in the eyes. 

There was a glimmer in those beautiful light green orbs that had you desperate to believe he was telling you the truth, that it was love that you were seeing reflected back at you but you knew only time would tell. He was still keeping something from you and even though you couldn’t suss out exactly what he was hiding you knew from spending enough time with Dean it was probably something big and life changing. 

All you could do was enjoy this moment. The one where he looked like he would fight hard to keep you safe and happy wrapped up in his arms, even if you knew that tomorrow would be different and you would be back to laying in bed alone, in a strange motel wishing that you knew where he was. It was a rocky path you had chosen, you knew that, but loving Dean made even the pain seem worth it.


End file.
